Being “Good Enough” When Co-Parenting Feels Impossible: A systemic reframe for high-conflict co-parenting and 6 Keys for Success
I recently heard Jenny Lawson interviewed on the Next Big Idea podcast about her new book How to Be Okay When Nothing Is Okay. Lawson’s book is not about “fixing” life—it’s about surviving it with honesty, humor, and self-compassion, especially when things feel overwhelming or broken. It got me thinking about the clients I work with who may be trying too hard to achieve a goal they can’t reach.
When “Okay” Feels Too Far Away
In co-parenting—especially in high-conflict situations—there are days when “being okay” isn’t realistic.
- Communication is tense.
- Trust is low.
- Every message feels loaded.
- And your child is watching how it all unfolds.
Many parents come in with a goal that sounds reasonable on the surface:
“We just need to get along better.” or
“If we just communicate better, everything will be okay.”
But underneath that goal is often something much heavier:
- Hurt that hasn’t healed
- Narratives that feel incompatible
- Fear about the child’s well-being
- Beliefs that the other parent is toxic, or worse, evil
- Exhaustion from ongoing conflict
So let’s offer a different goal—one that is both more honest and more achievable:
👉 What if the goal isn’t to be good… but to be “good enough”?
The Power of “Good Enough” (Yes—Mediocrity)
Borrowing from both systemic thinking and the spirit of How to Be Okay When Nothing Is Okay, we can reframe success in co-parenting:
Good enough is not failure. Good enough is functional. Good enough is sustainable.
In fact, striving for perfection in co-parenting often makes things worse:
- It increases pressure
- It amplifies disappointment
- It fuels reactive communication
Whereas aiming for “good enough” creates:
- Psychological flexibility
- Emotional breathing room
- More consistent behavior over time
👉 In high-conflict systems, mediocrity is often the pathway to stability.
1. Lower the Goal: From Resolution → Regulation
Many co-parents believe success means:
- Agreeing
- Resolving issues quickly
- Being on the same page
But in high-conflict dynamics, that’s often unrealistic. Instead, shift the goal to: 👉 “Can I stay regulated in this interaction?”
Examples of “good enough”:
- You pause before responding to a triggering message
- You keep your tone neutral even when you disagree
- You stick to logistics instead of revisiting old arguments
That’s not mediocre in the negative sense—that’s skilled restraint.
2. When Communication Is Sparse, Your Mind Fills in the Blanks
Our brains HATE ambiguity and strive for a simple explanation of things. The problem is that most, if not all, simple explanations cannot capture the intricacies of co-parenting, particularly when there is high conflict. Attributing the problematic behavior to a “problematic,” “difficult,” “narcissistic,” or “evil” co-parent is far easier than recognizing that conflictual interaction patterns are complex and are not solely the responsibility of one parent–it takes two to tango!
When co-parents reduce communication to avoid conflict, something predictable happens:
The brain fills in the gaps.
And in high-conflict systems, those gaps often get filled with:
- “They’re doing this on purpose”
- “They don’t care about the kids”
- “They’re trying to control everything”
A “good enough” intervention is to ask yourself, before reacting: “What story am I telling myself right now?”
3. Micro-Wins Matter More Than Big Breakthroughs
It’s tempting to look for big turning points:
- “We finally had a productive conversation”
- “We resolved a major issue”
But most co-parenting progress doesn’t happen that way. It is filled with fits and starts. It looks like:
- A neutral exchange at pickup
- One less argumentative text
- A child not pulled into adult conflict this week
These are not just small wins. They are systemic shifts. And they compound over time.
4. You Don’t Have to Be a “Great Co-Parent” Every Day, if at all.
Some days, “good enough” might mean:
- Not responding immediately to a provocative message
- Letting a minor issue go
- Keeping your frustration away from your child
That’s it.
No breakthrough. No transformation. Just containment.
In high-conflict systems, containment is progress.
5. You Are Not the Whole System
One of the most painful parts of co-parenting is the feeling that:
“If I could just do this better, everything would improve.”
But co-parenting is a system:
- Two parents
- A child (or children)
- Often legal, school, and extended family systems
You are not the whole system and you don’t have enough agency to make the difference you may want.
A “good enough” reframe:
- I can’t control the other parent–in many conflictual situations you will be lucky to be influential
- I can’t rewrite the past–you can hope to not be trapped by the memories of it, no matter how painful they might be.
- I can only influence my responses, boundaries, and consistency (your agency)
And that influence matters more than you think.
6. It’s Supposed to Be Hard (Sometimes Very Hard)
If you are co-parenting in the context of:
- A painful separation and divorce
- Substance use
- Mental health challenges
- High-conflict dynamics
- Court involvement
…then you are not in a “standard” co-parenting situation.
Of course it feels overwhelming.
Struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re operating in a complex system under stress.
What “Good Enough” Looks Like in Real Life
At Bellefonte Center for Children and Families, we help parents shift from idealized goals to functional ones.
“Good enough” might look like:
- Clear, brief, and neutral communication
- Predictable routines for children across homes
- Reduced exposure of children to adult conflict
- Boundaries that are firm but not reactive
Not perfect. Not seamless. But stable enough to support your child’s well-being.
A Different Kind of Success
You may not feel okay right now. Your co-parenting relationship may not feel okay. Your communication may not feel okay.
But if today you:
- paused instead of escalated
- stayed neutral when it was difficult
- protected your child from conflict
Then you were good enough.
And in high-conflict co-parenting, good enough is often what creates real, lasting change.
How to Be Okay When Nothing Is Okay – Jenny Lawson
Audiobook Link
